Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where he is.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.
Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realized that you weren’t that hungry after all?
Two cows are standing in a field and one cow says to the other: “What do you think about that mad cow disease?”, the other cow responds: “What do I care “I’m a helicopter”
Did you hear about the guy who froze himself to absolute zero? He’s 0K now!
A man with two left feet walks into a shoe store and asks to buy some flip-flips.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
When in doubt, mumble.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.
If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?
After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone.
A farmer counted 196 cows in the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
My biggest problem with time travel is: How many days would you pack for?
Right now, I’m at work, using the Internet. But in my mind, I’m already at home, using the Internet.
In Heaven, you get back all the Chapsticks you lost.
A penny saved is a penny that will sit around in a jar for five years.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.
I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
I ate a gluten-free, lactose-free, low-carb pizza for dinner tonight. It was a raw tomato.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
A Mexican magician tells his audience, “I will disappear on the count of three.” He counts down.. “Uno… dos…” And then he disappears, without a tres.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but, by the end, I liked it.
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
Why don’t seagulls fly in the bay? Because then they’d be bagels.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors? If it had 4 doors, it’d be a chicken sedan.
I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was, and then it dawned on me.
Why is milk so fast? Because it’s pasteurized before you’ve seen it.
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian, well they ain’t laughing now.
I once shot a lion in my pajamas. What he was doing in my pajamas I’ll never know.
Why should you always wear two pairs of pants when golfing? In case you get a hole in one.
